It’s THAT Time of THIS Year- Zach Busby
It’s THAT Time of THIS Year. If you don’t believe me, check the title. Now that you’re back from that moment of doubt, let’s talk about erasing the doubts that you had about the WInter Olympics being bad again this year.
I think it’s time you asked yourself an important question: “Do I, Fool’s Gold’s only reader, really like the Winter Olympics? Or do I just pretend to because it seems rude not to?”
If you are honest with yourself, chances are you are now hyperventilating. You are probably wondering if all your winter-based patriotism was founded on the fact that rich white people force their kids to develop skills for sports that the majority of actual athletes can’t afford to try. I’m not here to tell you that this is the case, but I’m also not here to tell you otherwise.
It’s usually around this time of this year when we start to hear people tell you about how they grew up with a bobsled and that sitting down on glued-together planks of wood while it all goes down a hill takes a lot of skill. FOOL’S GOLD FUN FACT: Without realizing it, you are training for bobsledding right now.
Watching people sit down in a chair is far more exciting than watching bobsledding because, at anytime, someone in a chair can get up and run for Congress or make a hotdog in a dishwasher. The only thing a bobsledder can do is get up and fall down a hill, which would be more exciting than the “sport” but still not justifiably watchable.
ESPN is about to get very boring too, as people on skis and snowmobiles will sneak their way into the top ten plays. Lebron will say he’s not hurt by this, but of course he is. Sportscasters around the universe will phone in their generic obligatory responses like, “That makes me proud to be an American,” and “Ladies and Gentlemen, that’s what I call a hero.” And my personal favorite, “The Olympics is over.”
And how did we, as a collective conscience, decide on holding the Olympics in Russia? I mean, I hate the Winter Olympics more than I hate the Spice Girls, and almost as much as I hate outdated, non-topical references to drive home an arbitrary point; but in what state of mind was the human race in when they decided to hold the Olympics in a country whose main exports are frozen tears and Mila Kunis? I heard that a person almost smiled in Russia once, but then they realized they were in North Dakota and got sad all over again.
All in all, the Winter Olympics only comes once every four years, but that’s far too often. The Winter Olympics needs to learn a lesson from Leap Day and become more obscure and take off less of the shortest month to ever exist (February). And while we are at it, can we throw a few more days February’s way? We can take them from June, because who cares about June? Cut June back to ten days and give the other twenty to February so we can give Black History Month the respect that it deserves. Then we can move Leap Day to the end of October, so once every four years, we can have an extra day to recoup from the horror that is Halloween.
That’s the world I wanna live in.