Improvements in Partying

Improvements in Partying- Nick Fuentes

There’s a section of carpet directly in front of the door to my apartment, which has been dubbed the “Fuentes Landing Zone” (F.L.Z.). Not once, not twice, but countless times I have stumbled loudly through my front door during the most obscure hours of the night returning from whatever shenanigans I could find. Usually, I make it to the restroom to relieve myself but somehow I end up passing out in that same carpeted section of my apartment.  It’s like a helipad for drunk guys. I have a pretty comfortable bed, but something about Jack Daniels, Lonestar, and the vino causes me to lie on what I consider a cloud of comfort… on the floor, essentially.  Personally, I can’t explain why I continue to wake up on the floor in my living room. Probably because I party too much, but the correlation between time spent partying and time spent sleeping in the F.L.Z. still shouldn’t exist. I HAVE A BED, for goodness sake.

I wasn’t always like this though; in fact, I can actually say sleeping on the floor in my apartment is an improvement. That’s right, the F.L.Z. is a good thing and the real success story of my partying life. I’ll offer a little context to see if you agree:

First, the most obvious difference between the Landing Zone initiatives I’ve adopted and the less conventional initiatives that Freshman Fuentes practiced is the comfort. One of my first parties as a newbie on the Hilltop ended up with me curled up nicely next to the toilet in my T-House dorm. I remember waking up the next morning with my first hangover and my comforter, pillow and Whataburger trash scattered throughout the ice-cold tile floor. You don’t need to be a rocket scientist to understand how uncomfortable of a bed tile floors make, especially with a hangover. Score Update: F.L.Z.-1, T-House Restroom- 0.

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Secondly, when considering the types of friends my partying lifestyle has provided me with, I often compare the groups of people I used to party with versus those I party with now. Again, I’ll refer to my freshman year for some historical evidence of the difference. It was Halloween, probably not the 31st of October, but it was close enough to that day for bros to dress like fools and females to dress wonderfully. Keep doing what you’re doing ladies, for you are all the reason I love Halloween, and also the mega bags of Reeses that become available during October, obviously. Long story short, a girl that DEFINITELY arrived at the party with my group of friends, face-planted. Literally. I remember walking up the shoddy steps in the backyard of the party venue (some shack in west campus) and seeing that girl trip and land right in all the liquid leavings of the drunkest individuals attending the party. Luckily, it was a costume party so she didn’t even recognize me to ask for help, and since I was drunk, I just left her there to contemplate her place in the universe. I would later find out that pretty much everyone in my group of friends had a similar response to that incident. Pretty crappy friends, right? Well it isn’t like that anymore, because my friends now at least put my phone next to my head as I lay passed out on the carpet. One of them even set my alarm in my phone once, to make sure I woke up in time for work the next morning.  Better friends and more comfort, Score Update: F.L.Z.- 2 Available alternatives-0.

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While a drunken man passed out on the floor and blocking the entrance to his apartment may seem like a step backwards for a person, it’s actually quite the improvement. Friends are necessary for a good time at a party and for making sure everyone arrives home safely and comfortably. Before the Fuentes Landing Zone came into existence, I was living pretty low in the gutter, and now here I am writing to probably no readers about my partying.

I still can’t escape the hangovers though, but that’ll definitely be addressed in my next wave of initiatives.

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