Week 8 Predictions- Zach Busby
Carolina Panthers @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers– Wait, why is Greg Schiano still there? At this point, this is the equivalent of a ship captain steering the ship into icebergs while the most important members of the crew scream ‘mutiny!’ All the while, that captain can’t coach a football team with any shade of competence. It’s time for Panthers’ fans everywhere (by everywhere I mean South Carolina and the one dude at St. Ed’s that always wears a Newton jersey on Mondays. Yeah, I’m giving that dude a shout out) to start believing that they will make the playoffs. By process of elimination alone, the Panthers should make the 6th seed, even if they don’t win another game. Seriously, the NFC is THAT WEAK this year.
Panthers win 28-14
San Francisco 49ers @ Jacksonville Jaguars– The NFL is not being subtle that they want the Jaguars to play in London. The Jaguars have home games scheduled there for the next four seasons. I don’t think it’s even the fact that they want the NFL to expand overseas; they just don’t want the Jaguars in America anymore. But London doesn’t want them either; I guess they are just like me in high school: only good at making people laugh and not that popular across the pond. Granted, I was better at football than they are, and London just didn’t know about me yet, but it’s not a perfect simile. Even though I currently hate the 49ers for that stuff they pulled last week, they couldn’t have an easier game than this.
49ers win 33-13
Dallas Cowboys @ Detroit Lions– Unfortunately, this is the game of the week. When there is no chance of the Titans winning or the Texans losing, fans like me just want to see offense and mean players. I hope that Stafford and Romo throw for a combined 1,500 yards and Ndamukong Suh throws 1,500 combination punches to the Cowboys players and coaches and Jason Garrett, because he doesn’t qualify as a player or a coach. I think whoever has the most points at the end of this one will have the best chance to win, and I think that will be the Detroit Lions.
Detroit Wins 48-47
Cleveland Browns @ Kansas City Chiefs– Jeff Garcia, 43, put in a call this week to the Cleveland Browns saying he could be better than Brandon Weeden. I know you think 43 is old, but Brandon Weeden is like 5 years older than Jeff Garcia. In all this confusion, former Washington Redskin Bad Boy Jason Campbell is getting the nod against the Chiefs. Yeah, nothing says you are committed to winning like starting your third string against the only undefeated team in football. If Andy Reid can remember where the Chiefs left their offense, then I think this one will be a blowout.
Chiefs win 29-6
Miami Dolphins @ New England Patriots– A long time ago, a couple of weeks before this week, I wanted the Dolphins to win this division. I mean, their jerseys and new logo really had me sold that this team had changed. But the reality is:, their offensive line is trash. I think that Tannehill would have more time to throw if the Dolphins line consisted of empty trashcans. And even though their jerseys and logos are so boring and not new or cool, the Patriots sincerely have the upper hand in this match.
Patriots win 33-22
Buffalo Bills @ New Orleans Saints– The Bills will make this a football game. I heard reports that the Bills would rather challenge the Saints to a game of basketball, but like most things you read on nfl.com, it was a lie. If I’ve learned anything from my country, it’s that good bills don’t pass, so look for Buffalo to rely heavily on the talents of C.J. and Fred Jackson as they provide very little doubt into the fascinating mind of Sean Payton. Also, look for Drew Brees’ birthmark; it’s always nice to see a brown reminder that he isn’t actually God.
Saints win 34-21
New York Giants @ Philadelphia Eagles– Ladies and gentlemen, we were treated last week to the Matt Barkley show. The arm strength and consistency you want in your third string quarterback were both prevalent as we saw Matt Barkley overthrow his receivers and end each drive the same way- by throwing an interception. And how about those Giants getting their first win of the season because I picked them to? I love gravy, and I love trains, so I’m gonna keep riding the Giants gravy train and pick them as my upset pick of the week.
The New York football Giants win 23-18
New York Jets @ Cincinnati Bengals– I can’t tell you how gratifying it was to pick the Jets over the Patriots, and have that wish of a pick come true. Despite the fact that Andy Dalton threw for an absurd amount of yards by his standards (which is anything over 100 yards) last week, I think he will run into some real trouble against the Jets. I don’t think I’ve ever said this before, but I love gravy trains. And no, I am not betting on these games, not with money anyway. Just anytime a New York football team wins a game, I get a train completely filled with gravy delivered to my house, which I am allowed to ride through the chicken fried streets of Heaven until I eat my fill and the trains run out of gravy steam. So obviously, the Jets are gonna win this one.
Jets win 27-23
Pittsburgh Steelers @ Oakland Raiders– This is my “Who the Hell Cares?” game of the week. Sure, Pittsburgh has won two games lately, and the Raiders have found their first real quarterback since Rich Gannon, but who the hell cares? Any wins that these two teams get only hurt their draft stock. I know this division is still up for grabs, but come on, whoever makes it to the playoffs will just lose, so who the hell cares if they do make it? I know I don’t, and by reading this, you are, by law, agreeing that you don’t care either.
Steelers win 11 to who the hell cares?
Atlanta Falcons @ Arizona Cardinals– Here is a game that has some serious playoff implications… for my Fantasy Football team. I’m currently sitting at 4-3, and my team needs a win in the worst way. I picked up Harry Douglass last week. and despite sounding like a gross sex move (seriously, talk about being borderline vulgar), he proved to be a vital pickup to my team: The Wasted Handjobs. I hope Harry can have a big week so I can reclaim first place, but not too big, because I think it’s time for the Cardinals to get a win. Wait… they lost to the Seahawks last week, and no team who has lost to Seattle has won the following week, including the incredible Tennessee Titans? Oh, I’m taking Atlanta then.
Falcons win 32-28
Washington Redskins @ Denver Broncos– RG3 is BACK!!! And just in time… to lose to the Broncos. You can’t count on Ronnie Hillman to fumble the game away every game, most likely because he won’t see the field ever again. Sure, Mike Shanahan is going back to Denver, and this is his big homecoming. But the Broncos have proven they don’t need real head coaches to win games (see: John Fox), so it’s not like they miss him or anything. Most of the time, I don’t know if it’s Fox or David Morse out there anyway, and quite frankly, I don’t think it matters. Peyton will throw more touchdowns than the Redskins can score; that’s the end of the story.
Broncos win 47-35
Green Bay Packers @ Minnesota Vikings– I am 10-0 with the Vikings on my Madden Connected Franchise, which I play on All-Madden, so I really don’t see why the Vikings are struggling so much. Oh yeah, I remember, they have handed the ball to the reining NFL MVP a grand total of 23 attempts in their last two losses. I think that Aaron Rodgers will prove to be one of the best quarterbacks of all time, just by taking his stats from this game alone. It won’t be close in Minnesota.
Packers win 41-20
Seattle Seahawks @ St. Louis Rams– After my boy Sammy B went down for the season, the Rams reached out to Brett Favre to be their grandfather, I mean photographer, I mean quarterback. Poor Kellen Clemens hasn’t even a played the game yet, and the Rams cant wait to stick him back on the bench. Favre said “No,” by the way, but I’m sure ESPN will somehow parlay this into 4 months of Favre Watch. Meanwhile, Russell Wilson just looks so cool when he plays football, and it’s really helping his team win games, much like this one.
Seahawks win 30-13