Week 7 Predictions- Zach Busby
Seattle Seahawks @ Arizona Cardinals-
NFC West matchups are always fun to watch, except when they feature the Arizona Cardinals or the St. Louis Rams. Thank Football God (John Madden) that we don’t have to watch both of those teams play on a Thursday night. Carson Palmer has greatly improved the passing attack of the Cardinals, in the sense that they are now only one of the worst in the league, and not the history of the NFL. Last week, Russell Wilson proved to the world that he practices witchcraft because he was able to beat the best team to ever exist. I do think he will throw a pick six to The Honey Badger, and all the fans in attendance will get to take a real-live badger home with them so that their playoff hopes are the only thing to die. I’m not saying they will be killed by the badgers, just any pets that they have. I’m not a sadist.
Seahawks win 26-17
Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Atlanta Falcons- The Falcons receiving group is so depleted, one may say they resemble the entire Buccaneers roster. The Bucs meanwhile can’t catch a break; the only thing they can catch are staph infections. I really do not care who the Bucs face. They should be docked a draft pick for every win they defy logic and God to get. The Falcons are too proud to admit that their season is over, so they will have to just steamroll really bad teams to get that 6-10 record they are destined for.
Falcons win 27-12
St. Louis Rams @ Carolina Panthers- A matchup of two teams who are tired of trying to convince people that they truly play football. Sam Bradford is my boy, but just because I endorse him does not mean his accuracy isn’t as scattered as me giving out my endorsements to random players. As I was saying, Cam Newton is my boy, and I think that that alone will give him the edge over the softer of the two pillow-like teams.
Panthers win 21-9
Cincinnati Bengals @ Detroit Lions- Finally, a game that will feature two teams who have playoff hopes. I mean, this game will have Calvin against A.J. and Stafford against A.J. and the Red-Headed Enigma himself explaining to Marvin Lewis why he deserves to be their quarterback against logic. It’s games like this that make people believe in two cities who are generally football afterthoughts.
Lions win 24-21
San Diego Chargers @ Jacksonville Jaguars- Come on, until the Jaguars actually challenge anything more than a play that the Refs may have missed, I cannot write about them.
Chargers win 35-7
Buffalo Bills @ Miami Dolphins- I really liked the Dolphins at the beginning of the season because I was watching Ace Ventura Pet Detective a lot this summer. But it seems that someone has turned the proverbial laces in on their season. And where the heck did Thaddeus Lewis come from? This dude sounds like his name is a book in the Bible and he’s out there playing like a bat straight out of hell.
Bills win 29-19
New England Patriots @ New York Jets- The Jets lost last week, so I think that means they have to win this week. Although the Patriots finally got their killer tight end back (no, not that one). Tom Brady has been able to put together a highly mediocre season without many passing weapons, and I think that hubris will come back and haunt him against an even higher highly mediocre defense. I don’t know why I feel it, but I think the Jets will get the upset this week.
Jets win 31-28
Dallas Cowboys @ Philadelphia Eagles- Dude I don’t care who wins this one, as long as Tony Romo wins my fantasy game. Both teams feature two truly horrendous defenses, so I bet that means this will be a nice low scoring game. Also, I know I am known for being incredibly unbiased, but I hate Chip Kelly so very much that I want the Eagles to lose every game from here to eternity and regret the day that they let the sweetest old man, Andy Reid, slip through their ugly green talons.
Dallas Cowboys win 24-17
Chicago Bears @ Washington Redskins- I think this is the game that RG3 remembers how to play football. My guess is that he just plays so well that his team wins the ball game. On the flip side, I think that Jay Cutler regresses to his days of being a Denver Bronco and just feels sorry for himself the entirety of the game while sulking with his best bud, Brandon Marshall.
Redskins win 34-24
San Francisco 49ers @ Tennessee Titans- Dude, Jake locker is coming back for this game, and you know what that means: Superbowl Titans! I stood up for Kaepernick this week in an argument on whether he is secretly a bad quarterback or not. I do think he is good, but this Sunday will not be a fair assessment of his talent. I believe that the Titans will carry Locker off the field after his 4 touchdown performance, and go into the bye week knowing that they’re destined to be the greatest.
Titans win 28-17
Cleveland Browns @ Green Bay Packers- I’m going to go out on a limb here, and then come back to where I know it’s safe to say that Brandon Weeden will throw another terrible interception this game, and Aaron Rodgers will defeat the 2 year quarterback that is older than he is.
Packers win 30-14
Houston Texans @ Kansas City Chiefs- I think it was a touch of pure genius for Kubiak to start Case Keenum this week. Because it will silence those Texans fans who think they know who the best quarterback is just from watching this kid watch the game from the sidelines while they sit on their strained couches. The Chiefs will unfortunately remain undefeated because they aren’t playing an actual football team.
Texans lose by a lot of points
Baltimore Ravens @ Pittsburgh Steelers- Oh, how the mighty have fallen. By mighty, I mean the mighty wings. And by fallen, I mean into my belly. Flacco, good endorsement, man, I almost enjoyed them. On a completely unrelated note, both of these teams used to be really good, but now it seems like they have become shadows of their former selves. Well, the Steelers more than the Ravens, but the Ravens should be more ashamed.
Ravens win 19-11
Denver Broncos @ Indianapolis Colts- The game of the YEAR, maybe the game of the Century. It is the homecoming that everyone has been waiting for: Jacob Tamme coming home to Indianapolis. After being drafted in the fourth round, and producing pedestrian stats for years, Colts fans will cheer his name as he struts out onto that field for the first time wearing a different team’s jersey. Despite having no extra incentive to play well, I think Peyton will have his best game of the year. Andrew Luck will make up for his lackluster performance by punching any receiver who drops a pass this week.
Denver wins 45-39
Minnesota Vikings @ New York Giants- I think the Vikings finally have their quarterback. Josh Freeman can really flourish when he doesn’t have the meaner version of Satan as his head coach. Eli really hates that he has to keep throwing interceptions in prime-time games, but he’ll still do it all the same. This game is a perfect example of how Monday Night games should always feature the Titans, yes, even on their bye week.
Giants get their first win 24-20