Week 6 Predictions- Zach Busby
New York Giants @ Chicago Bears- It’s really nice of the NFL to give the Bears two bye weeks so close together like this; I hear bears really enjoy as much time off as possible. Eli Manning will relish the opportunity to perfect nearly getting sacked and escaping just in time to throw a pick to a defensive tackle. Somebody needs to tell the Giants front office that you can’t get a new head coach in the NFL Draft. Never have two Super Bowl trophies seemed as far away in the rear view mirror as the Brady Bunch, as Eli likes to call them. I do think the Giants will play their best game of the season though.
Da Bears win 33-22
Green Bay Packers @ Baltimore Ravens- The Packers got lucky last week when Detroit’s receiving corps took a week off. Joe Flacco will buy anyone a lifetime supply of those McDonald’s Chicken-Like Wings if he can tell me one wide receiver that plays for the Lions other than Megatron and Can’t-Drive Burleson. The Ravens looked good last week, against whoever the hell they played, and I think they may have even won. But they didn’t beat the Packers last week, at least I don’t think they did, but I think they will this week, if they are in fact playing the Packers.
Ravens soar high and send Green Bay home packing 29-27
Cincinnati Bengals @ Buffalo Bills- Okay, this one is going to be pretty bad. Thaddeus Lewis is starting for the Bills this week, and the Bengals just shut Tom Brady down, like way down. The Bills seriously might be held to under 100 total yards this week, and there is no joke there, that’s just the truth. I do look for Andy Dalton to put up his career high of 120 yards this week, and maintain that 1:1 touchdown to interception ratio that has all Bengals’ fans real excited. If you watch this game, it’s because you live in Ohio and your family doesn’t love you enough to buy you NFL Sunday ticket. I just want to thank my mom for not ever making us take a breath in Ohio.
Bengals win 13-0
Detroit Lions @ Cleveland Browns- PREDICTION ALERT!!! The Lions will get a good look at Josh Gordon this week, and then make a trade for him very soon. Then the Hoyer-less Browns will continue their march into football ambiguity and forever make this season the season of utter confusion.
Lions win 28-21
St. Louis Rams @ Houston Texans- It is no secret that the Houston Texans love being the worst franchise in the history of sports. But the fan base is causing them to sink lower than ever thought possible. I wrote a letter to them this week, and I forgot to realize they probably don’t know how to read… I should have made a video. This is going to be a strange game; I think Bradford might throw for something like 4 touchdowns despite getting sacked by Watt 4 times. Schaub WILL throw a pick that will get returned to the one-yard line with only him to beat. The rest of his career will hinge on whether or not he makes that tackle. As for the rest of this game, the Texans offense will be like a billiards game that uses feathers as the pool sticks: They won’t be able to move the ball.
Rams win 30-15
Oakland Raiders @ Kansas City Chiefs- Kansas City proved last week that they are capable of winning games despite being the inferior team. Can Oakland do the same to them this week? Well, Pryor to that win last week against the Chargers, I would have said no. But after that, I still say no. But it took me a little longer. The truth is, until the Raiders get a new GM who doesn’t think that Matt Flynn is an answer to any question besides “Who should we NOT get to be our quarterback?” they will continue to put the wrong talent around their franchise quarterback.
Kansas City wins 26-18
Carolina Panthers @ Minnesota Vikings- A horrible thing happened this week to a member of Adrian Peterson’s family. My heart goes out to him and his family during this time. Out of respect, I will only make jokes about the Panthers. Cam Newton, what are you doing? Play better; I mean am I right? And what about Ron Rivera etc. etc. etc.?
Vikings win 29-21
Pittsburgh Steelers @ New York Jets- If the Jets win this game, I think they will win the division. Do I sound crazy? Yeah, more than crazy than Pittsburgh going 0-5? Crazier than the fact that the Jets are only 1.5 game back from the division lead as of right now? Crazier than the fact that people actually read this blog? Well, that’s not crazy, this blog is awesome. Roethlisberger will have his best game of the season by only getting sacked 6 times. How weird is it that the Pirates are more liked in Pittsburgh and the Jets are more liked than the Giants in New York? I don’t care though; I don’t know any of these teams.
Um… Steelers get their first win 14-13
Philadelphia Eagles @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers- Doesn’t it seem they have already played like six times this season? This game will feature two quarterbacks that will be third string quarterbacks on different teams next season. It’s not every day you get to see something like that. However, it is every day that I think about how badly these two teams are coached. Speaking of coaches and predictions for next season, neither of these coaches will be in the NFL next season. Chip Kelley will coach for USC, calling it, and Greg Schiano will be in a mental asylum coaching so many Super Bowl teams.
Philadelphia doesn’t lose 25-8 (four safeties)
Jacksonville Jaguars @ Denver Broncos- Jacksonville is so bad, they will be the first team in the NFL to get a loss during their bye week. Denver’s offense is so good that after they break every record, their total yards will roll over to next season and they will start with 1,000 yards before they even snap the ball. Those 1,000 yards will come from the first half of this game. As new as the Jaguars jerseys are, I can’t imagine those helping them score more than ten points. This will be the most lopsided game in NFL history.
Denver 59- Jacksonville 9
Tennessee Titans @ Seattle Seahawks- The Titans will win this game, and ESPN will say things like: is something wrong with Russell Wilson? Did the Seahawks plan to lose this game? And then: There’s a football team in Tennessee? The Seahawks are an awesome team, and I respect them about infinity more than the Texans, but Sunday I’m calling all their players Matt Schaub.
Titans win 22-20
New Orleans Saints @ New England Patriots- It’s not often that I care about anything on Earth other than the Titans, but this game will be awesome. It’s something really special that I’ll tell my grandkids’ grandkids about: On October 13, 2013, Tom Brady lost back to back games. On a separate note, why is Drew Brees always wearing his shoulder pads in every interview? (http://tinyurl.com/l4xamyu) Does he ever take them off? And if not, is that the secret to being Drew Brees?
Saints win 35-21
Arizona Cardinals @ San Francisco 49ers- Why don’t the 49ers have to spell out their name using only letters? Every other team does. I guess no other teams have numbers in their name, but the Redskins are going to have to change their name soon due to how offensive it is, so why not change it to something like the 69ers? Oh yeah, the game. The Cardinals always play well against the 49ers, but that’s okay, because playing well for Arizona means losing by less points than they thought they would.
49ers win 26-10
Washington 69ers @ Dallas Cowboys- UPSET ALERT! The Cowboys played great last week to an unbelievably superior team, which means they will play horribly the subsequent week against an inferior team. RG3 will play his first truly great game of the season and start their awesome run of games that will allow them to take this division crown with only 7 wins. It will be a shootout because Romo and Bryant are on my fantasy team, and both of these defenses are trash.
69ers win 35-30
Indianapolis Colts @ San Diego Chargers- Another good Monday Night Football game. But why do the Chargers always get to play in the prime-time? The NFL is horribly biased in favor of surfers and extremely average football teams in California. The Titans don’t play on Monday once this entire season. Despite this jealousy, I still think the Chargers can beat the Colts. I mean, the Colts have to run out of Luck eventually, right? God that was a bad joke. I’m just ready for Jake Locker to come back already so I can be myself again.
Unfortunately, Colts win 28-27.9