Week 5

Week 5 Predictions- Zach Busby

funny-nfl

New Orleans Saints @ Chicago Bears- I can’t think of anything funny to say about this game, it’s just gonna be really good. You guys should tune in.

Saints win 38-34

New England Patriots @ Cincinnati Bengals- New England hasn’t managed to lose a game this year. Cincinnati is a young and up-and-coming team. After making the playoffs for two consecutive seasons, the Bengals seemed primed to upset a team like New England… Wait, they lost to the Browns last week? And didn’t score a touchdown? Forget everything I just said.

New England wins 26-13

Detroit Lions @ Green Bay Packers- Before the Lions beat the Bears to go 3-1, did anybody even know they had two wins? And I was looking at the list of undefeated teams, and the Packers weren’t in it. Not only that, they are third in the NFC North. Not only that, Aaron Rodgers hasn’t ascended into Heaven (yet). Does anybody know another receiver for the Lions outside of Calvin and Sean Combs? Puff is with the Lions now, right?

Seattle Seahawks @ Indianapolis Colts- Seattle played their worst 3 quarters of the season last week. Lucky for them Matt Shaub bet on the Seahawks (allegedly) to win. The real story of this game are the two young quarterbacks. I think Andrew Luck is really upset that Russell Wilson didn’t ask him to shave his eyebrow. And they are both upset that RG3 won rookie of the year when they both clearly had better seasons. Yeah, I said it. And I’m upset that the Colts got Trent Richardson, like I really hate how they keep getting better.

Seattle wins 26-22

Baltimore Ravens @ Miami Dolphins- I REALLY WANT THE DOLPHINS TO BE GOOD!! I am tired of the Ravens proving their immortality. I am also tired of Torrey Smith having great games when I finally decide to put him on my fantasy bench. I predict that Flacco improves this week, and only throws 4 picks. Have you noticed that both Flacco and Kaepernick have been subpar quarterbacks ever since that McDonald’s commercial? My guess is the illuminati has something to do with this.

Dolphins win 28-14

Philadelphia Eagles @ New York Giants- Philly birds up against a big challenge this week: trying not to crush Coughlin’s spirits. He’s one or two losses away from losing control of his team and face muscles. Seriously, scowling that much is risky business. Maybe if he’s lucky, his face will get stuck that way and he’ll have something to work with for Halloween this year. As for the game, Vick flies high to Touchdown Heaven and his defense recovers two fumbles, one of which they will force.

Eagles knock the Giants into the dirt, 34-12

Jacksonville Jaguars @ St. Louis Rams- A lot of Rams’ fans are saying that my boy Sam Bradford has been a disappointing 1st round quarterback, but all four of the remaining Jacksonville fans would have an actual fist fight with an actual jaguar to have the guy who is backing Bradford up. After trading Eugene Monroe, the Jaguars’ plan seems to be so bad this season they become the first team in NFL history to have the entire first round of the draft given to them out of pity. Seriously, members of the 0-16 Detroit Lions teams are all like, “Hey, we won more games than they will this season.”

Rams win what qualifies as a Jacksonville Nail-Biter 21-3

Kansas City Chiefs @ Tennessee Titans- Tennessee added an interesting chapter to their inevitable 30 year Super Bowl run last week when they let Jake Locker get hurt. An interesting plot twist indeed, and as an obviously unbiased viewer of this team, I’m interested to see how this Super Bowl is gonna pan out. Sure Kansas City is undefeated, but so was every team at the beginning of the season, and we saw how it turned out for most of them.

Tennessee Wins 29-17

Carolina Panthers @ Arizona Cardinals- Coming off just an amazing Bye Week, Carolina looks to keep up this recent trend of not losing games. And based on their performance last week (Arizona put up more points than Tampa) they would also like to keep up their non-losing streak. And an in attempt to keep both their respective teams’ streaks going, Carson Palmer and Cam Newton will both bring their Heisman Trophies to the game and prove they mean nothing in the NFL, as if Peyton Manning hasn’t done that enough already.

Carolina wins 24-19

Denver Broncos @ Dallas Cowboys- If there was one team in Dallas who played football and was capable of beating the Broncos, it would be the Cowboys, but it’s not. I do think that Tony Romo will out-duel Peyton Manning… in a match of comparing beautiful ex-girlfriends on their cell-phones. But when the game starts, Peyton will continue to dominate in every other single aspect of his life, and just destroy every smile that has ever existed in Dallas. But Dallas will be playing hard for their owner who will be crying because the other owner is more famous than him.

Denver wins 55-25

Houston Texans @ San Francisco 49ers- I really wish both of these teams could lose this game and then they could talk about how terrible they are at living up to expectations. Because in that scenario neither of these fan bases would experience the false hope that has plagued them for the past couple of seasons. That being said, I do have faith in Matt Schaub to throw a game winning touchdown, right to Navarro Bowman.

49ers win 31-20

San Diego Chargers @ Oakland Raiders- There are talks that Josh Freeman might be heading West to play for the Raiders. This leads me to believe that Pryor’s concussion may be contagious, because there is something seriously wrong with that front office. (See Matt Flynn) But none of this is really relevant, because oh my God, how good is Phillip Rivers this year? Proving that if you fire Norv Turner, your quarterback will be the best. Take a hint Cleveland.

Chargers win 29-14

New York Jets @ Atlanta Falcons- Rex Ryan doesn’t lose back to back games. Well I mean he does, but he doesn’t like to. Well he might, he did it a lot last year. The point is I think the Jets would really like to win this one. And apparently, the Falcons might let them. They seem to have forgotten that they can go to the playoffs. That being said, the Jets proved last week that the Titans are AWESOME.

The Titans win through the Falcons 28-17

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