Week 4

Week 4 NFL Predictions- Zach Busby

nfl-umpire-garth-defelice-fitted-baseball-cap_1Okay, so last week I pulled a New York Giants and disappointed all my fans in the greater Manhattan area. I blame it on the pressure. I’m just such a prodigy that everyone expects me to be perfect every week, and sometimes I feel that I’m Eli Manning. And sure, it’s inevitable that I’ll go on to win multiple Super Bowls against Tom Brady, but just like Eli, I can’t do it without an offensive line (this metaphor is falling apart). But on a serious note, how great was The Book of Manning? The answer is way better than The Book of Eli, but not nearly as angry as my bookie.

San Francisco 49ers @ St. Louis Rams- The first time these two teams played last year, both teams put up 24 points and then called it a day. Kaepernick is really good at throwing the ball to the best playmakers on the field. It’s not his fault that they happen to play for the other teams! The 49ers used to be like a Swiss-Army knife, but now they are like my Grandpa’s Swiss-Army knife in that neither of them are any good at winning football games. Now the Rams are like blind mathematicians, they rarely have a good drive, but they are good at winning division games.

St. Louis Wins 23-18

Baltimore Ravens @ Buffalo Bills- The Ravens proved last week against Houston that they are capable of winning any game when they are in the presence Ray Lewis and Ed Reed. The Bills did their best Bills impression last week, and came up about 20 plays short of winning a game. And although I am tempted to pull a Doug Marrone and prematurely pick EJ Manuel even though I can still pick him later on down the road, my gut says the Ravens will squeak this one out.

Ravens Win 34-12

Cincinnati Bengals @ Cleveland Browns- Wow! You want to talk about a great game? Don’t worry; I’ll get to one sooner or later. Brian Hoyer is no Aaron Rogers, and while Andy Dalton is almost a Christian Ponder, the Browns still used to have Peyton Hillis. I deal will facts people, and the fact of the matter is that it is my opinion that the Bengals will NEVER have Peyton Hillis, so they win this game by default. But Jordan Cameron and the punter manage to put up two interesting touchdowns.

Bengals Win 28-14

Chicago Bears @ Detroit Lions- Bears new head coach Marc Trestman is proving that he is not only good at coaching Canadian quarterbacks, but also diabetic quarterbacks. Sure Jay Cutler’s passing yards last week were low like his blood sugar, but he made some above average throws last week to beat a below average team. Matthew Stafford doesn’t get the respect he deserves despite the fact that he is a great leader on an average team. This is why he won’t follow me back on Twitter, and is why he deserves a break. *This just in, Nate Burleson breaks his arm in a car crash…*

Bears win 33-20

cutler

Seattle Seahawks @ Houston Texans- If the NFL were in the theme of Star Wars, the Houston Texans would be The Phantom Menace. A lot of people anticipated the return of the franchise and then they were subsequently disappointed with the result. Russell Wilson would be that scene in Jedi where Luke showed up in all black and was a total badass and made the Seahawks the best team in the NFL. While I am willing to acknowledge that JJ Watt is an intriguing specimen, he is still making people in Houston watch Episode 1.  All that being said, I think the Texans will play to the best of their abilities and score the maximum amount of points they are capable of scoring against a good team.

Seahawks win 34-7

Indianapolis Colts @ Jacksonville Jaguars- If any team loses to Jacksonville this year, the Jags fantastically get The Broncos Offense and the Seahawks Defense, Blaine Gabbert gets to be all-time Quarterback for the rest of the league, and Gus Bradley gets to be the President of the United States of America. Don’t worry Peyton, your old team will beat the snot out of the Jags because they don’t want you back in their division. In fact they probably don’t want you in the league anymore. Look for Andrew Luck to have a career day. And by career day I mean look for him to throw for as many yards and touchdowns as Blaine Gabbert will throw in his entire career.

Colts win 44-10

New York Giants @ Kansas City Chiefs- After watching The Book of Manning, I am convinced that Eli and I will both bounce back this week and prove just how great we are. I know Andy Reid has a lot of experience against Eli, but he also has a lot of experience against obesity, and we know who is winning that battle. I think this will be the game of the week. I predict touchdowns, yards, and one team scoring more than the other in such a way that people say, “Wow, that was a good football game. There were yards and touchdowns; it was great.”

Giants up the Chiefs 28-25

Pittsburgh Steelers @ Minnesota Vikings- No one is going to watch this game. The NFL put it in London for our sake. They could literally just simulate this game to end and nobody, NOBODY would care.

Pittsburgh wins 23 to Who the Hell Cares? (On a walk-off slam-dunk)

Arizona Cardinals @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers- I picked both of these teams last week to upset, and upset they did. I’m so upset at them that I’d rather not pick either of them to win this week. There is silver lining all over the place in this otherwise dull game. One is that Josh Freeman can see the team that will probably pick him up in the free agency next year. Two, we will see the first game that leads to Schiano being exercised from the Bucs. And lastly, there is a big chance we can see Patrick Peterson throw an interception to Revis.

Cardinals win 23-15

New York Jets @ Tennessee Titans- The Human Geno Project will fly down to Nashville this week and promptly lose to the Titans. I take solace in the fact that no one ever has written the previous sentence before. I really do like Geno, and I even find weird parts of my brain pulling for Rex Ryan. I realized that the Jets have cool uniforms, as long as Mark Sanchez isn’t wearing one. But come on, any unbiased observer knows the Titans will be the greatest team ever, as they are about to start their soon-to-be-legendary Super Bowl run that will last three decades. So, therefore, the Titans have to win Sunday. It’s flawless logic.

Titans win 28-17

Philadelphia Eagles @ Denver Broncos- If anyone can beat Peyton Manning, it’s Chip Kelly. Stupid auto correct, I meant EAT Peyton Manning. The over/under this week on Peyton’s touchdowns this week mirrors the over/under for his yardage this week. However, I do think Mike Vick will expose several holes in the Broncos secondary this week. Freaking auto-correct, I meant Mike Vick will throw a lot of interceptions and Nick Foles will finish out the game with a lot of interceptions. How great is LeSean McCoy though?

Broncos win 43-21

Washington Redskins @ Oakland Raiders- I mean, Washington has to win this week, right? I mean, McFadden threw for more yards than he ran last week. I mean, I don’t even know what that means, but the fact that Pryor can’t remember who McFadden is can’t bode well for Oakland, right? I mean, RG3’s knee can’t be that bad, right?

Washington Redskins win 30-20, right?

Dallas Cowboys @ San Diego Chargers- Gentlemen and ladies of the Internet… I present to you, Manti Teo’. He’s REALLY here! I mean you will physically see him in person on the field this week. This is not an elaborate joke; he is really going be there. And so is Tony Romo. He promised to show up because this isn’t a playoff game. Clichéd obligatory jokes aside; I think this will be a shootout. It’ll be one of those Romo/Rivers matchups that nobody tells their grandchildren about. Here’s some free fantasy advice for you, no, not you Manti. If you have either of these QB’s on your team, start them; there will be yards and stuff.

San Diego wins 37-31 in overtime.

New England Patriots @ Atlanta Falcons- Tom Brady and Bill Belichick walked into a bar, and that’s where they found their wide receivers.  If the Falcons lose this game, then Tom Brady gets Roddy White, Julio Jones, and Tony Gonzales because the man will deserve a real chance to lose another Super Bowl to me and Eli, for it is written in the book. The quarterback that wears number 2 for the Falcons is starting to become a household name, and it’s time for him to show everyone why the quarterback for the Falcons deserves some respect!

Falcons win? 29-22

Miami Dolphins @ New Orleans Saints- Finally, a Monday night that isn’t just some boring one-sided divisional matchup. This is a serious potential Super Bowl matchup, assuming the Broncos and Seahawks just go ahead and ascend into Heaven, for it is written in the book. Ryan Tannehill is really cool: he’s got a lot of Myspace friends and is the 14th favorite athlete in Miami right now. Drew Brees is the definition of cool: he doesn’t know what Myspace is, and it’s against the law in New Orleans to take his name in vain. I am honestly excited about this game; I think it has the makings of a classic.

New Orleans wins 30-24

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