Week 13- Zach Busby
Houston Texans @ Jacksonville Jaguars- Hello World, meet the worst prime-time game of football to ever exist ever. More people will watch NFL Network in some random day in March than they will this horrible game. Chad Henne and Case Keenum at this point are the geeky kids that reluctantly get picked last in a game of pickup to make sure both teams have 7 people. It’s kind of sad to say that a Jaguars head couch will outlast any head coach, even a Texans head coach. If you are looking for something more interesting to watch instead of this game, may I suggest the James Franco and Seth Rogen Bound 2 remake?
Texans win 18-14
Minnesota Vikings @ Baltimore Ravens- Two purple teams that I’m tired of watching. In fact, I’m tired of watching this entire season. It’s all too familiar. Some teams rise, like the Panthers. Some teams fall, like the Texans. And the constants are Peyton Manning being amazing, and the Titans breaking my heart. So in other words, the Ravens win.
Ravens win 21-14
Indianapolis Colts @ Cincinnati Bengals-The Colts aren’t playing the Titans this week, so the chances are they will get blown out. Even though the Bengals really hurt my long-haired friend’s feelings last week by defeating the Chargers, I will grant them a reprise if they beat up on this mean team. I believe in the soul of Andy Dalton, even though that sounds like an oxymoron.
Bengals win 32-17
Atlanta Falcons @ Green Bay Packers- Here it is, my NFC Championship pick at the beginning of the season. This proves just how amazing I am at predictions. No Aaron Rodgers. No Julio Jones. No chance for playoffs. But still infinitely more exciting than the Thursday Night Game this week.
Falcons win 29-23
Cleveland Browns @ New England Patriots- If this game wasn’t in Foxborough, but rather it was in Cleveland, I would give the Browns a fighting chance. But they would also have to be playing a team who wasn’t the Patriots.
Patriots win 24-10
Oakland Raiders @ New York Jets- The Human Geno Project seems to be a mistake, like half of the Ryan twins. Why do the Raiders keep trying to convince us that their mediocre quarterbacks are an answer to any other question than: who will be the backup next season? It’s amazing how many boring games there are this week.
Raiders win 17-9
Detroit Lions @ Philadelphia Eagles- This is the game of the week, which is strange to me. Because at the beginning of the season, I had both of these teams slated to be in the NFC cellar, further proving my clairvoyance. I heard a rumor that if Nick Foles throws a pick this game that he will turn to dust and reveal to the world that he was actually a reincarnation of Johnny Unitas. And the Eagles will turn back into dust as well, and then the Cowboys can go lose in the playoffs.
Eagles win 31-29
Miami Dolphins @ Pittsburgh Steelers- Look for Mike Tomlin to make some key stops in this game. Also, look for the Dolphins offensive line to be really nice to each other. There will be playoff desperation in the air, and also a lot of Dolphin tears on the ground.
Steelers win 27-24 OT
Buffalo Bills @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers- Who cares? Seriously? The amount of people that will watch this game is the same as the people who will read this article. So Mom, change the channel, the Titans game is a late game this week.
Bills win by tying 21-19
Kansas City Chiefs @ Washington Redskins- An elegantly named team honoring Native American Culture versus the Kansas City Chiefs. It should be interesting to see Andy Reid scouting his future offensive coordinator: Mike Shanahan.
Chiefs win 29-28
Tennessee Heartbreakers @ Denver Broncos- It’s kind of bitter-bitter to see Peyton Manning taking the Broncos even more miles into the sky knowing that he could have done the same for the Titans. It’s supposed to be a cold game, which is fitting, since the life of a Titans fan is equally as cold.
Titans win 100-0… It’s my column, at least hope can exist here.
St. Louis Rams @ Arizona Cardinals- This will probably be a great game, but it has as much appeal as a YouTube video of Kim Kardashian explaining how to make soup from a can.
Cardinals win 20-18
New York Giants @ San Diego Chargers- If I know one thing in this crazy thing that I call life, it’s that Chargers’ fans hate Eli Manning. I don’t share that hatred for Eli, mostly because we have so much in common: touchdown abilities, etc. Look for Rivers to be extremely annoying and win the game.
Chargers win 33-23
Seattle Seahawks @ San Francisco 49ers- Two talented quarterbacks will be on the field for this game, and both of them are named Russell Wilson. Yeah, he’s that talented. Oh, and Colin Crackersmith will be there too, and he told reporters that he is going to AT LEAST get 110 yards passing. The fact that Vernon Davis is even playing this week is inspiration, after this happened to him last week:
Seahawks win 28-14
Carolina Panthers @ New Orleans Saints- Probably the toughest game to judge. On one hand, you have Cam Newton and the high flying Panther’s defense, and on the other hand you could go to Church, since this is a Catholic university. Sundays are supposed to be sacred, and Sunday night services are when Catholics make time for the Saints.
Panthers squeak this one out 31-26
Dallas Cowboys @ Chicago Bears- Josh McCown has completely made me forget about Cade McNown. And the Cowboys are in first place with only four games left; I wonder if Tony Romo can HOLD IT down long enough so they can lose in the playoffs to Seattle, the way God intends it to be.
Cowboys win 35-28