Hilluminati- Nick Fuentes
The Boshart wants me to write a farewell piece for all the Fool’s Gold loyalists. This is that farewell piece.
Now on to more pressing matters. F.G. has been set on the fast track to be the most notable comedy magazine website in the world. That’s right, we’re officially an actual student organization and just in time for Eric and myself to graduate. Considering the people that Eric and I are leaving in charge of F.G. for the coming year, I was not too enthusiastic about the organization’s future. But after receiving a letter on April Fool’s day, the organization’s and Russia’s official foolish holiday, Eric and I felt our first sense of security for F.G.’s future.
The letter was addressed to “A Not So Funny Duo” and was from The Hilluminati, a group that I had only heard about in the darkest corners of the coffee shop. To summarize what the letter said, Eric and I had been nominated to join the Hilluminati and reap all the benefits of such a secret and powerful society. We were told to wear comfortable clothing and meet at Main Building during the next full moon. Luckily the cycle of the moon is something Eric is quite informed about, so I waited for him to call during one of his “Woody Allen bingers” to meet up.
We stood before the beautiful Austin skyline as the clock struck midnight, when a group of about twenty black-hooded figures approached us. I shined my flashlight on the figures and saw that each person was wearing a Nixon, Spongebob, Miley Cyrus or a Gene Simmons Kiss mask—the tongues of the Miley masks rivaled those of the Mr. Simmons masks. “Put those on,” a Spongebob shouted as two Nixons threw some weighted vests our way.
A figure that I did not see at first, wearing a Donald Duck mask, stepped forth and spoke with a voice as sweet as James Earl Jones’, “Before we explain anything to you about the Hilluminati, you must prove your worth to secure the success of your precious Fool’s Gold.
“You two must scale Main Building and stand among the council in our chambers. Our chambers are located in the iconic tower. You have twenty minutes and must complete the task with nothing more than what you have with you.”
I looked at Eric, knowing he possessed not nearly enough upper body strength to climb a building. Once again, I was not enthusiastic about our future. But through blood, sweat—a lot of sweat, mostly from Eric—and a multitude of curse word combinations, we made it to the top.
As we entered the tower, lining the walls was every figure that stood before us just a moment ago. A fire crackled in the center of the council chambers and next to it was a table with a skull centered between two folded cloaks, with a Pikachu mask resting on one and a Bob the Builder mask on the other.
A Miley spoke first. “You have successfully made it into the chambers of the Hilluminati, and you did so with weighted vests. Fuentes, I believe you are most familiar with burning things, which is what you both will be challenged with on this night.” Without missing a beat, Donald Duck followed with, “the weight of those vests does not come from being filled with sand or heavy metals, but in fact within those vests are all the past articles of Fool’s Gold, jammed ever so tightly. Tonight gentleman, burn those vests and rid the world of your not-so-funny material.”
I quickly took off the vest and chucked it in the fire, effectively smothering the flames and bringing about complete darkness in the chamber. I was embarrassed.
The Hilluminati got a laugh out of it and conducted the rest of the society’s business in darkness. They explained to us that the Hilluminati runs everything on campus: no Capstone topic gets by without their approval and no construction project takes place unless they are guaranteed that such efforts will completely disrupt the walking paths of campus students.
“We’re going to see to it that Fool’s Gold remains a part of this campus after you two are gone, and that it actually becomes funny,” said a Miley. I walked over to embrace the figure that just spoke, when I realized that it was actually Miley Cyrus. How the heck did she get into the Hilluminati?
When all was finished, we were each given our own cloak and a mask. I called dibs on the Pikachu mask, while Eric had to leave the Bob the Builder mask to be adjusted—the straps were apparently not “one size fits all.”
So there you have it; Eric and myself are now life long members of the most powerful and secret society of the Hilltop. But Nick, would this article being read by the public ruin the secret of the Hilluminati? Nope, we have not got that much of a following.
Be sure to follow the future of Fool’s Gold, because who knows with the Nixons, the Spongbobs, and Miley Cyrus has in store for the organization.