Pokébike- Nick Fuentes

I don’t ride bicycles, mostly because it requires active motion and an effort. No surprise to loyal Fool’s Gold fans that us writers avoid anything requiring effort. However, like most people who know anything about having an awesome childhood, I played the Pokémon Gameboy games. Don’t get too excited, Pokénerds, this is an article about bicycles not which starter Pokémon I recommend (Squirtle, better advantages versus gym leaders, and Charmander if you want to be cool).


Attaining the bike was a pivotal moment in a young trainer’s life, almost as pivotal as teaching one of your flying types how to fly. Back then, no one questioned the logic of the Pokémon world, like why a kid had to teach beasts how to fly and why you don’t learn any of that crap until you’ve practically finished the game. The bike was awesome simply because you could zoom through towns, caves, and annoying patches of grass housing gangs of level 4 Pollywags. But like I said, by the time you achieve the bike, it’s useless since you’ve already wasted hours walking very slowly through the game seeking Poké-Stardom. Imagine that, bikes being useless, like in the real world where cars exist.


However, the games had a cool little feature—I don’t know how it’s done with the new Gameboys, those things are way too advanced looking now—once you achieved the bike you could access it easily with the [Select] button. In the real world there is no [Select] button with an instantly usable bicycle, but that might be the only way I would ever ditch my car for a bike.

How much easier would life be if that were a feature we could manipulate in our everyday lives? I’m just saying we can put a man on the moon but we still haven’t reached the break through instantaneous bike technology needed for a proper Pokémon biking adventure. What are we doing with our time, humans?


That’s all I can say about bicycles, Austin, Texas. Now the world knows what it will take to convince guys like me to ride bicycles to and fro regularly. Or we can invent real Pokémon and teach them to fly, which would be awesome. Until then, I’m going to continue polluting the planet with my diesel truck.


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