Shutdown: so easy, Fool’s Gold can do it- Nick Fuentes
The kick-the-can-down-the-road method has once again proven to be the weapon of choice for the guys and gals here at Fool’s Gold. The writers have never been more divided about what direction this unofficial comedy magazine will take. The dividing line between where one party of Fool’s Gold stands and where the other lazily sits on their butts has reared its ugly head during one of the most pivotal moments in this website’s history. Those of us who are running the show cannot collectively get our act together to deliver comedy gold, whether it is because Boshart uses our meetings as his pregame for thirsty Thursday or because Capstone has a tightly suffocating grip on the other writers.
This inability to deliver is not unheard of, but it is occurring during a time when the largest numbers of those depending on Fool’s Gold are flocking to the website for laughs that put the “Hill” in “hillarious.” (I propose a new spelling for the word “hilarious”) Laughs which many Hilltoppers feel that they are now entitled to and which should be readily available in an organization with such a wealth of talent and humor. Nonetheless, though our readers ask that we work together for the common good, we at Fool’s Gold stand resolute in our dysfunction and lack of agreement. Thus, Fool’s Gold was recently shutdown.
In almost two full months of existence, the full faith and credit of Fool’s Gold has never been compromised. The nearly eight readers (and counting) that have loyally stood by FG are now the victims in this whole mess. The very same readers that have followed, liked, shared and trusted in FG, through past shutdowns and the many misguided initiatives made by those in charge of Fool’s Gold. The difference with this shutdown is that it is much messier to sift through and disseminate for our readers, and the disagreement is based in deep and outdated ideology. Deep because the future of the entire website hangs in the balance and outdated because knock-knock jokes are so elementary school.
So, being the champion of the people that I am, even if the people amounts to a total of ten, I’ve decided to use this article to address the problems publically and in layman’s terms… for you the readers… who we the FG writers depend on for our jobs.
The problems began during a very controversial meeting between the writers. Side note: if you think comedy website meetings are funny or full of memorable moments used to jumpstart the creative process, you’re mistaken.
T’was the night before official theme selection, when all through Munday Library study room 228 not a hilltopper was stirring…. but they were shivering. USE THE DAMN HEAT OPTION ON THE THERMOSTAT MUNDAY STAFF. Per the usual, each of us stared blankly at the clean sheet of paper we were given by the Chief Editor for brainstorming. I was staring because I had no pen to write with, but all the other lazy writers had no justification for their spotless bar napkins. We brainstorm on bar napkins; Boshart says it’s more cost effective to buy/use bar napkins, because he can use them for his ever present glass of scotch and for writing our ideas and brainstorming.
We showed our first signs of life when we had to kick some baseball bros out of the room. Communications tests shouldn’t require a study session, by the way, bros. Other than that, our team sat. Time ticked by slowly and no solutions to our lack of progress were offered. The jokes proposed by some of the writers were practically fart jokes gift wrapped in an incomprehensible format and would alter an entire section of Fool’s Gold content. But it was “what the people wanted,” so the theme and content had been decided. Fool’s Gold meet fart jokes, fart jokes meet Fool’s Gold. The only justification anyone could offer for severely undermining the quality of laughs FG provides, was that more and more people were depending on FG for laughs they feel entitled to receive. So in an effort to deliver and with a deadline quickly approaching, a vote was taken and the fart jokes were made law of the land. Unfortunately, nowhere in our constitution at Fool’s Gold does it state that fart jokes are illegal, for lack of a better word. Actually I know a better word, “hillegal.”
Fast forward to just a week ago: The publication and approval for final drafts of the content was now upon us. However, some of the writers had a fundamental issue with the theme we had chosen and therefore protested in the form of no content to offer and none voted to approve the publication. Writing and publication ceased, Fool’s Gold shut down. Ctrl+Alt+Delete style.
When the people began laughing at us for our immaturity, the leaders of the organization had to step up to the plate. Given the pressure from loyal FG readers and a quickly approaching deadline for content, a deal had to be made. The fart jokes were delayed, not removed or improved, but simply put off until our next publication comes around. So basically, as I said in the beginning, we decided to kick the can down the road, a Shiner can emptied by Boshart.
The readers asked for quality humor and FG proudly accepted the challenge. Time and time again the readers’ yearn for such quality has called all of us writers to stand united to try and make the readers laugh their asses off. This is the mission of Fool’s Gold and quality, for now, will be the cornerstone of the foundation of this organization. Though it is a quickly crumbling foundation.
So here we are, no longer shutdown but a publication focused on fart jokes still looms over our heads. Were our issues resolved? Hill no. Were we brought back to our roots, the roots that gave us our humble outlook on life, which provides insight into the abundance of humor surrounding the Hilltop? I sure hope so.
We at Fool’s Gold thank you for your patience with this dysfunction among writers. I hope this article has cleared things up for everyone, as well as shed light on the drinking problems of senior members of Fool’s Gold.