Empty Sochi Seats- Eric Boshart
The recent horror story that has become the Sochi games has one more layer: no one is showing up, specifically Americans. Because of political reasons (it’s probably more because of toilets), Americans are reluctant to attend the games. Although the U.S. has always performed and is performing well, the only Americans present are coaches and the athlete’s families. Even the athlete’s families are a little scared of Sochi (what does Sochi even mean? “No doorknobs?”).
Jamie Anderson, winner of slopestyle competitions, misses her family as they frequent the local Chili’s next to their home to watch Jamie compete. “We love and support her from this booth, but I like pooping in a toilet,” said Jamie’s brother. “And after this Big Mouth Burger, Lord knows I’m going to have to.” Even Russians are staying home. Not because they’re afraid, but because they’re Communist, and that’s what you do when you’re not working. Russian athlete Julia Lipnitskaia is a hometown favorite as she was born and raised in Sochi. But her parents aren’t willing to step out. When Lipnitskaia made a plea for them to attend the games, her parents were frightened, as they have no idea what emotion looks like.
Although Russian officials have denied it, people have reportedly spotted cardboard cutouts of people that Russians have placed in the empty seats. Below is a picture taken by American Brad Johnson:
“It’s freaking nuts bro,” politically ignorant Brad says. “I like, came to watch some skiing, and there were these people with permanent smiles. I knew they were fake. But not because they were basically 2D, but because they were smiling, and Russians don’t really smile, you know?” We know, Brad, we know.
Tickets are currently on sale at Kayak for -35 dollars, spiking job creation by 1%. Basically, you get paid to fend off stray dogs, poop outside, drink water with organisms in it, and occasionally attend the figure skating. Worth 35 dollars? You make the call.