Choosing a Seat in Class

Choosing a Seat in Class– Nick Fuentes

I’ve attended St. Edwards’ University for what some might consider an over-stayed welcome. Six years on the Hilltop have provided me with more than enough wisdom to make it through the day to day, whether being forced into a dysfunctional group project situation or turning a 15 page research paper into a one night stand of B.S. fluff writing and non-credible sources. A lot of what I learned has come from the great professors here at St. Ed’s, but that’s not to say that all of those things are the most applicable nuggets of wisdom for the average male, such as me. In fact, the most applicable things I’ve learned were either developed by my own efforts or adapted from timeless gentlemanly behavior.

To touch on the latter, as every man knows, it is imperative that doors be opened and held for ladies. That may have come off as very definitive and even a wee bit male chauvinistic. But to be fair, the ladies here on the Hilltop are exponentially more stunning and attractive than the ladies anywhere else in Austin. Consider that truth and then try to tell me that a little door opening here and there won’t at least get your foot in the door (pun absolutely intended) with all of these intelligent and beautiful women. Besides, how many times has someone on campus held a door open for you? Countless, I imagine, unless you’re just a straight snail when you walk to and fro. Nobody has time to hold open the two ton doors at Trustee for your slow butt. So it’s the least you can do to return the favor and keep up with all that karma-goes-around-comes-around hippie talk. Take that last piece of advice with a grain of salt and store it away for potential use in the future; it’s no skin off my nose whether or not you use it to your advantage.

However, my most prized nugget gained from sweaty, long and happy days among fellow Hilltoppers, comes in the form of seating choice in class. On the first day of class we experience a similar combination of fears and anxieties: What will the professor be like? Will I know anyone taking this class with me? Is this going to be a syllabus day or should I have read chapter one because class starts NOW?

Beyond those initial questions, I’ve made it my one goal on the first day to find the most attractive girl in class. So while others are busy showing up to class 15 minutes early and ready for whatever the professor has in store for them, I’m busy getting my game face on. The game face is a must, because on the first day I walk in like I own the place, and for $16,000 a semester, I should at least own a park bench on campus (but this is a whole other topic). Then I locate the vacant seats in class and assess which one is nearest one of the lovely ladies I’ve been talking about.

Introduce yourself and try to make a joke. Break the ice, if you will. That first day is the easiest part; she isn’t paying attention to you and you shouldn’t really be paying attention to her either. You just met the girl and you’ll have plenty to discuss throughout the semester, so take it easy and don’t blow your cover. Remember, in these United States a girl has the right to be creeped out by a dude she just met and be inclined to act on a whim to sit elsewhere next class session. Which would indicate a failed attempt at everything you worked for during that approximate hour.

The most important step throughout this process is the follow through, as is a timeless truth in just about every endeavor. By follow through, I mean you have to establish a connection that can be built upon throughout the semester, even if you have to lie about being a huge Game of Thrones fan. My go-to for establishing a connection is simple. What does a studious young man like me need in class to be the best Hilltopper he can be? A pencil for note taking, of course. Yup, it’s that simple. I just ask to borrow a pencil on occasion. I even mix it up by asking for paper or whatever else I can think of. Point is, I do not waste a chance at getting to know the girl that makes the class worth going to. The whole point of sitting next to her is to get you through the boring lecture and maybe get yourself a lady friend in the process, anyways.

I often call this tactic, “I need a pencil.” I have dubbed it so because despite every distraction a girl can have, she simply cannot turn away or resist my “I need a pencil” song. I can’t show you what it looks like when I do it, because I don’t want my identity exposed and all my hard work to be revealed for what it actually is, which is basically a ploy at getting a girl. However, I can show you the most accurate depiction of the song that I found on the internet. I believe this young lady really captures the essence of what it means to truly need a pencil.

I Need a Pencil

Editor’s Note: This nugget of wisdom works even when the roles of the gender are switched!

 

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