Katie Mathias

Katie Mathias- Zach Busby

To Whom it May Concern,

I don’t know no much about Katie Mathias, but I feel like I know enough to prove to that world that she is extraordinary. Katie Mathias is nine feet tall, has one hell of a turnaround jumper, and her 40 yard dash time makes Deion Sanders seem like a turtle with one leg. The Houston Texans have the first pick in the draft this year, and although most people feel like she is a better fit in the NBA (because she went back in time and destroyed Michael Jordan in a game HORSE on the set of Space Jam 1.5: The Musical Jam), I feel like her best fit is with the Federal Bureau of Investigation.

Why do I feel this way? Well setting aside the fact I’ve watched every episode of The X-Files, and the fact that the only difference between Scully and Mathias is the turnaround-j (yeah, Scully is also nine feet tall), I feel this way because I’ve seen her crack some of the toughest cases I’ve ever had the displeasure of coming across. The one that comes to mind immediately is The Case of: That Dumb Chick, Karen, Who Didn’t Call Me Back.



I was hopelessly depressed and fiercely addicted to caffeine pills, all the while fearlessly racking my brains trying to conceive of one, just one, reason why Karen wouldn’t call me back. Then one night in a dark alley on Sixth Street, Katie sent me a text message claiming that she had solved the mystery. So I got the hell out of the alley, right before my big meeting, and ran to her apartment. I was in a cold sweat, and, oh yeah, it was raining, and I dodged fifteen lighting bolts and outran a twister before my muscular fist bounced off her door three times. KNOCK, KNOCK, and another KNOCK, and then Katie called me TracFone and informed me that I was at the wrong door, which is just further proof of her mad detective skills.

But anyway, before I knew it, I was sitting on her couch, sipping on a cup of tea that her roommate left on the coffee table a few weeks before. “I think Karen is a Lesbian.” Katie’s words shot from behind her teeth and struck my soul with what I knew to be the truth. “Now get the hell out of my apartment.” And just like that I was gone. The rain had subsided, and I thought I saw the sun smiling at me right before I got a text from Karen’s brother Jamarcus informing me that Karen moved back to Oklahoma where she suddenly slipped into a coma. I asked Jamarcus if Karen was also a lesbian, but he just told me to never contact anyone in their family again.

Common sense suggests that Karen wouldn’t have slipped into a coma if she was heterosexually in love with me, like I just knew she was. I think the FBI could use somebody like Katie Mathias who can solve a case with little to no evidence. Somebody who can outrun her colleagues, but can’t outrun her past. Somebody who can reach up into the sky and grab a UFO and give it to David Duchovny for his birthday, but at the same time reach deep within and look far out into the world, and tell you which girls wouldn’t mind doing it with other girls, and isn’t that what life is all about? So when you’re making your decision FBI Boss Person, I’d think twice before passing on a girl like Agent Mathias, because you might be a lesbian and not even know it.


Zach Busby, (The Most Recent Lesbian)


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