A Jana Horn- Nick Fuentes
As of late I’ve become quite the adventurer, treasure hunter, legend killer— the Official Fools Gold Monster Investigator, a role I believe I may have been born to perform. To begin, I have two fears: Jana Horn and going to the doctor. However, I keep my list of fears short by actively tackling them head on. So when I received my latest mission to collect reconnaissance on a Jana Horn, I leapt for non-sarcastic joy. Here’s what I gathered thus far. I made it out with all of my extremities, so the following information will have to suffice for now, reader:
Size: Compact; short enough to be invisible, tall enough to seem normal to the naked eye. At least five of the confirmed Jana sightings, which resulted in injuries to the victims, could have been avoided had a more cautious eye been watching for her deceptive size.
Skills/Weapons: Hilarious; there’s a reason Jana writes for Fools Gold, which is unusual considering the practices of such an organization that could hardly be considered reasonable. I prefaced with saying I made it out of this recon mission with all of my extremities, but the same could not be said for my funny bone or spleen. The following is by far the most interesting weapon the mythical being Jana Horn uses. While reading her articles, both my funny bone and spleen exploded…simultaneously. Yeah, crazy right?
Other/General: Hates Zach Busby (Fools Gold writer). doesn’t think I’m funny, can only be killed by silver bullet to the heart on Tuesdays during the Summer Solstice. Given the historical evidence of violent and unruly outbursts by Jana Horn, she has been relatively cool and nice. Violent, but nice. This is also an appropriate time to mention that one of the original writers for Fool’s Gold, a member of the Triple Funny Force, Dave Simmons met his end soon after admitting Jana to the crew. All that remains of that relic, comedy trio are Boshart and myself, so needless to say we approach with caution. We recommend that any of you adventurous types that want to go seeking Jana yourselves, approach with caution and if you want to laugh (at the risk of your spleen, of course).
If I put a little effort into this on-going recon mission, I may be able to gather more useful information about Jana Horn. Hardly more accurate though, this description of Jana is firsthand and all true. To close, be sure to send some flowers to Fool’s Gold HQ, the intern can forward them to me in the hospital. Turns out my spleen explosion incident lead to an infection and a doctor’s visit. So to recap, Jana is funny and helped me face both of my fears. Now I am fearless and spleen-less. Thanks, Jana Horn.